


Gory Christmas and a Happy Fourth Age

by octopus_fool



Series: Yuletide Cheer [11]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas Decorations, Christmas Tree, Gen, Humor, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-07 18:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16858822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: Good orcs do as commanded, even if that means doing something absurd - like decorating a tree.





	Gory Christmas and a Happy Fourth Age

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day 5 of [Arda Advent](http://ardaprompts.tumblr.com/post/180626386876/join-me-in-creating-wintery-fanworks-about), the prompt was "decorating".

“Humans are weird,” Grabursh said. “What kind of tradition is this?”

“If Grishnákh says we are to decorate this tree to celebrate the new alliance and make the humans feel welcome, then that is what we do,” Sharmúl retorted.

“Yes, yes, of course. I’m just saying that it’s an absurd tradition to hang food and decorations in a tree, of all things. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t obey his command.”

“Yes, we should obey Grishnákh,” Barmurg said, “and he told us to use a fir tree.”

“He _suggested_ using a fir tree,” Sharmúl said, “since he thinks that is what the humans use. He didn’t order us to use one. If you want to climb over the mountains and deal with the West-men just to get a smelly tree, go ahead. I say this spiny myrrh works perfectly well, it even has nearly as many prickles as a fir tree, and at least they don’t stick in your skin when you hang things in the tree.”

“I’m just saying,” Barmurg mumbled. “I just don’t want it to be my fault again if it goes wrong.”

“Oh, stop whining and help me with this garland, will you?” Migrush growled. 

“It’s slippery,” Barmurg complained. “It won’t stay where I put it.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never worked with entrails before,” Sharmúl said. “Just tack them on the prickles and they’ll stay right where you want them to.”

Grabursh took a step back and nodded approvingly. “They look nice and shiny.”

“You need to put that one a little to the left,” Sharmúl commanded. “We want the garlands strung across the tree nice and evenly. That’s better. Azgol, are you done stringing the baubles?”

“Yes, I just have a few more.”

“Well then, Grabursh, Barmurg, Migrush, what are you waiting for?! Start hanging the baubles into the tree!”

The three orcs set to work.

“Hey, I wanted that ear!” Migrush complained.

“I saw it first!” Grabursh protested. “You can take that kidney instead.”

Migrush reached for his scimitar.

“Cut it out, you two!” Sharmúl was not amused. “We have enough material, no need to provide anymore. And you, Barmurg, stop hanging only eyes on that branch. Switch it up a little, or it will get boring.”

“But I like the eyes,” Barmurg pouted.

“I don’t care! Put some of them on other branches and add some tongues and spleens to that branch. This is about ringing in a new age of cooperation between orcs and humans, not about your individualistic artist fantasies!”

“Hey, Azgol is starting to eat up the liver strings!” Grabursh said.

“Stop that!” Migrush shouted. “Just think of how disappointed the human children will be if you’ve eaten all the treats!”

“It was just one,” Azgol said. “I only wanted to make sure they aren’t spoiled.”

“Well, they will be spoiled if you chew on all of them,” Grabursh retorted.

“Hang the elf hair in the tree, Azgol,” Sharmúl said. “That should keep you out of trouble.”

Grumbling and stuffing another liver string into his mouth, Azgol complied. 

“Be careful with that chain of teeth!” Barmurg said, snatching them out of Migrush’s hands from where they had been threatening to fall to the ground. “I agreed to have my collection be used as decoration for this, but I want it back unharmed.”

“Oh calm down, it isn’t even as if your collection is anything special.”

“It is! I wouldn’t have been asked to give it as a contribution if it wasn’t special!”

Grabursh took a step back and looked at the nearly finished tree. “There’s still something missing…”

“Did Azgol eat more of the liver strings?” Migrush asked.

“I did not!”

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Grabursh said. “There should be something flashy on top of the tree.”

“We could put my tooth collection up there!” Barmurg suggested.

“We wouldn’t want that,” Migrush said, “after all, it might _fall_.”

“It isn’t exactly what I’d call flashy anyway,” Azgol said.

Migrush laughed. “See? Not even _Azgol_ is impressed by your collection.”

“I know!” Grabursh interrupted them. “We could put a heart up there, big, red and juicy.”

They all looked at the heart he was pointing at and slowly nodded. 

“That might work.”

Even though the others grumbled, Azgol was the one who got to set the heart on top of the tree, since he was the lightest.

“More to the right!” Migrush demanded.

“No, to the left!” Barmurg protested.

“The other right,” Migrush said as Azgol adjusted the heart. “You’re just making it even more lopsided.”

“But you told me to…”

“Shut it! Just do as I tell you!”

It took a few more attempts before Sharmúl put an end to the discussion by deciding that the heart was in the right position. “There! Now it looks good. It’s a good thing I had the idea to put that heart on top of the tree, the tree would have looked rather bare without it.”

“But _I_ had the idea!” Grabursh protested.

“Are you trying to get uppity? It was _my_ idea!” Sharmúl said, planting himself in front of Grabursh. 

“It was Sharmúl’s idea,” Migrush said.

“Definitely Sharmúl’s idea,” Barmurg agreed.

“Sharmúl’s idea,” Azgol repeated around a mouthful of dried liver.

“Very good,” Sharmúl said. “Grabursh, you get to clean the latrines this week.”

 

Grishnákh’s eyes widened as he led the humans into the room. “What’s this?! I told you to…”

Grabursh turned to whisper into Migrush’s ear. “They may have strange traditions, but it is rather heartwarming to hear the humanlings shrieking with enjoyment, isn’t it?”

**Author's Note:**

> There are still Arda Advent prompts for which I don't have ideas yet, so if there are any slash or femslash pairings (no incest though, sorry!) or Gen combinations you'd like to see, let me know (either in a comment or a tumblr ask, I'm ridiculoussquid) and I'll try to come up with something (Bagginshield and Thorin/Dwalin are planned anyway, so no need to request those)! If you've looked at my stories, you'll know that I mostly write for the Hobbit fandom, but I'm trying to do more LotR and Silmarillion stories too, so I'll also take suggestions for those (just no guarantees).


End file.
